june twenty - ninth , two thousand one |
hey hey |
| just like the beastie boys , mishaco.com is always on vacation . i don't mean to get ratbastardly on ya ,
and its not that you don't matter , but i haven't heard from you either . i mean , you don't even notice when i walk into the room with nothing but a cold beer and a warm smile .
being the oldest twinkie on the shelf gives me a bit of seniority and perspective , a license to bitch , if you will . recently , in a conversation about the differences between the sexes , i responded with " all it takes is some maturity , experience , and a couple of movies " . i guess my idea of sex education thru films was revolutionary . i can't understand why , kids have been getting their sex education from films since before my time . thus , how not to suck in bed first : " trainspotting " - remember the part in the beginning when renton is coming off of heroin and is hopped up on speed ? renton chases after diane , a girl out of his league and fails miserably . only to follow diane outside to the cab . diane simply leaves the door of the cab open , while the driver asks if renton was coming or not . the next ten minutes of this film should be made into a film school class on how to make sex scenes in the movies . the moral of this one : take control . any man worth sleeping with will follow your lead . do what you want . and it will only get better if he's a hard sell and needs " convincing " . second : any " indiana jones " movie - girls , drop the fantasy that mel gibson is going to come trotting down from the castle , smelling of lilac , jump off his white stallion , throwing his helmet to into the half filled basket of monkey dung that your hoping to sell in the next village ' s bizarre bazaar . all the while , picking you up with one brawny armored arm that lifts you up , up , up onto the enormous white steed where you , the filthy , poor , olfactorily potent waif and mel make love til he is crowned king . life is a little less dreamy . and a lot more real . take things for what they are , a nice smile , a compliment and witty banter . never mind the five o clock shadow , or the scar on the chin . if you like someone , go for it . don't make it more complicated than it needs to be . besides mel gibson is five foot three , at best . third : " pretty woman " - i know . . . this movie is at best pop culture filler . but it presents us with an exceedingly important rule : thou shalt give as good as thy gets . if you take the full body tour , you are owed the same , if not better . including an orgasm . additionally , commandment three (a) states : there will be no dispute about who had what / when / where in their mouth or other parts . sex is messy . you don't have to take everything that gets near you . but you absolutely will not have a discussion as to why you did ( or did not ) . its not sexy , leave them wondering til next time . interested in the advanced class ? apply here . |
and now i'd time to pass the mic to kerouac , come on and do anything you like |
|
 |
 |
 |